Smoke
by Ari Didge
Summary: It's the little things that can throw you down the hardest. It can be as simple as a smell, a taste or even seeing something or someone similar. It's a loop inside your mind...no...it's a spiral. Tagged to s15 premiere. Olivia is dealing with the beast, not Lewis. This is much darker, this is a video inside her mind. This is PTSD. Haven't decided if this has a happy or sad ending
1. Chapter 1

_**Haven't written a fanfic in AGES but I thought of this after watching an fanvid about the season premiere on youtube. We've seen Olivia with PTSD before, which I guess is why they didn't put a major emphasis on it this time around but it can be crippling. It can affect the smallest things in everyday life that you take for granted. You can walk down a street you've been on a thousand times, but this time you notice something and that's it, you're on your knees screaming and crying, trapped in your own head and you can't get out. If PTSD affects you feel free to message me on here or on my fictionpress AriDidge. The flashbacks do end. **_

_**The point of this fanfic is that it will be structured kind of like PTSD. It's written in a series of short scenes from Olivia's perspective. Should make sense at the end. Also, I'm not using italics for flashbacks because it feels like it's happening right then and there**_

_**Enjoy ~Ari xoxo**_

The sun felt beautiful and warm on my face, a nice change from the standard New York weather. An even better change from the squad room for the past 10 hours. Paperwork always was and always will be a bitch.

"You coming to the bar Liv?" Fin doesn't look fazed either way by the temperature as he approaches

"Uh, yeah. Just gonna go home and get changed. Maybe let Brian know I haven't abandoned him."

"Gotta keep the boy happy." Fin smirks and I roll my eyes as we walk out the precinct gate.

Just to the left is a group of kids leaning against the precinct wall, clearly underage and smoking.

"Could book 'em." Fin is clearly joking but I don't react. "Yo Liv, my joke wasn't that bad." That's when he realizes I'm no longer keeping pace, I'm barely two steps from the gate.

My body is shaking violently and my eyes glaze over. The smell of the city is replaced with the smell of burning flesh, my own burning flesh. I try to scream for help but my mouth is taped closed. Circular points on my arms, my legs, my chest, my… pulse with pain. I watch as the key comes ever closer, but I close my eyes as it finally connects. His breath comes in ragged gasps and I can feel him growing against me. The key is finally removed after a silent lifetime but his hands, oh his hands are not shy as they find each and every burn all over my skin. I look at him, my overflowing eyes silently pleading for him to just leave me alone.

He turns and walks away but I can still feel a hand on my shoulder, another on my knee. It confuses me for a moment, the touch is gentle. Slowly light seeps in to my vision and the smells of burning flesh fades from my nostrils.

"Shhh, that's right. Come back baby girl." Fin is quietly whispering to me and I realize where I am. Somehow I am sitting against the wall in Cragens office. Amaro, Rollins, Munch, Cragen and Brian are all there with Fin. I try to ignore the fear on their faces, after seeing me like that, they can't pretend it didn't happen any more than I can.

Fatigue weighing heavily on my mind and body I silently retreat. Once back in my apartment I find my room, I leave the windows closed and curtains drawn blocking out the light and the beautiful weather. I lock myself in my box and fade in to a restless sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

_**Okay, I actually love all of you to heaven and back. 2 reviews and 4 follows in the first 24 hours. So, because I am so happy and I have an hour to spare today you can have the second instalment. But I do seriously need your help in deciding whether this will have a happy or sad ending.**_

_**Loving you muchly**_

_**Enjoy ~Ari**_

It feels good to be sitting at the bar with everyone again, more than that, it feels normal. Munch is rambling on about the latest conspiracy theory to do with the governmental lock down, Fin and Rollins are trying to decide if more alcohol would shut him up or encourage him and Cragen is drinking a soda water while telling Amaro about his many blunders as a rookie on the force. The scene brings a smile to my face.

"Hey Liv, some deadbeat at the bar bought you this." Jake is our normal bartender and I know from his tone he's joking about the 'deadbeat' as he hands me a vodka. I look over my shoulder and see Brian seated at the bar making suggestive faces in my direction.

"Thanks Jake. Excuse me guys." I stand and sashay over to Brian making sure his eyes follow every single one of my curves. His hands appreciate them when I reach him.

"Hey baby." He pulls me on to his lap and I giggle, the earlier beers assisting my easy going mood. I bring the glass to my lips and swallow the vodka, staring at Lewis' eyes as I splutter and cough. My body writhes in urgent desperation to get away from his hands that are everywhere they shouldn't be, but he holds me down and his lips stifle my screams for help. Fear takes over me as I process the cruel expression on his face. Suddenly he is moving me, his arms holding me upright as he leads me to his car. The door opens and he pushes me inside and squats in front of me, one hand on my hair the other moving up my leg, but it stops mid -thigh and goes back to my knee. I realize my lips aren't sealed and my back is not against leather, it's just standard interior. Gradually my eyes refocus and I realize Lewis' eyes are the wrong shape.

I'm here with Brian. Lewis is nowhere near me. I'm okay. I'm safe. They won't hurt me.

"Hey Liv, welcome back. Where'd you go?" I shake my head at Brian

"Please just take me home Bri."

"Are you okay?" He says as he complies with my request

"Uh, yeah, I'm fine." I pointedly turn my back to him for the rest of the trip

"Liv, we need to talk about this." His tone is urgent as we reach my apartment. My only response is to shut the door in his face. I stare at it for a moment before I sink down to the floor, back against the door, head in my hands.


	3. Chapter 3

_**First of all, terribly sorry for the delays, I was hoping to be at least up to chapter 5 or 6 by now, but I discovered the amazingly complex, twisted and wonderful world of Tumblr. I then realized how dangerous it would be for my writing, went off, suffered withdrawal symptoms and am now using this story as a therapy of sorts. Anyway…Thank you to my lovely reviewers Skydala, Sequinn and Bellatrix wannabe 89 you make me keep writing and enforced the guilt trip to keep going.**_

_**Just so you all know, these "flashes" have a reason, they are not just unconnected snippets, but ya'll gonna have to wait until probably chapter 6 before you find out. This is kinda tagged to a scene in Psycho Therapist**_

_**Enjoy ~Ari xoxo**_

I dump the shopping on the bench, my exhaustion having no regard for the eggs in one of the bags. The expression in my eyes morphs in to distaste as I stare at the job of unpacking it. Since when was something so menial, so hard? Gun safely next to me, it never goes far these days, toilet paper is the first thing out of the bag. That's when I notice the silence in my apartment.

"Hello?"

"Welcome home Detective Benson." His voice is smooth, too smooth and I shudder. Fear over takes my rational thinking. I know this man is dangerous, but my body won't listen to the urges of my brain to grab my gun. There is nothing I can do as he walks toward me other than feel my own increased heart rate and listen to my shallow breaths.

Something is wrong with what I see. My head is on the carpet, I've lost consciousness at some point. How, how did I lose consciousness? The beast! My eyes rove frantically searching for him, while my mind finally acknowledges the rest of my body, including my legs in the air. I try to put them on the ground but something is topping them. A chair, he's tied me to a chair.

Nose, smells. I try and stop the terrified tears as the smell of burnt flesh and hair reaches me. My own burnt hair and fresh. I close my eyes tight again, wishing it was just a nightmare, then reopen them.

I'm still on the ground, my legs are still in the air, but the smell has faded, and my apartment isn't a mess. Focus shifting to my legs I attempt to move them side to side, with success.

"Liv?" For a moment the male voice causes me to refreeze, then it processes

"Bri." I state before bursting in to tears

"Shhhh, it's okay Liv, we'll get through this."

"Why are my legs in the air?"

"I put them in the coffee table, I read something about putting legs up for shock. I thought you might be in shock." He looks slightly embarrassed and I offer him a smile as I slide my legs from the table.

"How long does he get to keep doing this to me?" Even I am surprised at the venom in my voice. "I know he's behind bars, but he's at the bar, he's at work, and now he's back here."

"He can't hurt you Liv."

"I know Brian, but I shouldn't have to deal with this. I need to do my job, like I've always done he can't take that away from me too."

"Maybe you should take a few days, Cragen said it was cool, no one would think any less of you." I recoil violently and stand.

"Don't be here when I get back." Coat on my back I walk in to the bitter New York night. Realizing my chances of sleep tonight are minimal I elect to get a coffee from the nearest 24 hour store before returning to my bed.

The waitress hands me my coffee promptly and I enjoy sipping it in relative silence. My temper is slowly receding with each sip so I savour each and every one of them. Irritation quickly flairs again when the draught of the door opening hits my back. It peaks when the man sits next to me. I glance sideways at him and find myself staring straight in to the eyes that have haunted my dreams.

"You're free." I whisper, terror slowly overtaking me. I throw some money on the counter and run out the door, and all the way back to the safety of my bedroom. Leaning against the closed door in the dark room I realise it wasn't Lewis, just a random off the street. Self-loathe replaces general irritation and suddenly I spin and punch my own door.

As I collapse to the floor, I realise I have answered my own question.

That's what Elliot would have done.


End file.
